Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Outsiders, Finale (pronounced FINALLY)

I should be able to wrap this up in one post if I concentrate and don't ramble. Wish me luck.

So Ponyboy wakes up in an ambulance wailing its way to the hospital. A teacher from earlier is in the ambulance with Pony and is all, "Blah blah blah, you're a hero," and Pony asks what happened to Dallas and Johnny. The fat guy (oh, forgot to mention- the teacher is fat) tells him that Johnny and Dally are in another ambulance.

At the hospital, Pony has apparently made a full recovery from his traumatic experience + smoke inhalation. He's sitting in the waiting room, smoking with the fat guy. And he is FILTHY. Like, for the life of me, I can't understand why nobody suggested he go take a look in the bathroom mirror. Or at least handed him a wet-nap. Johnny is rolled by on a gurney, unconscious. Dally is rolled by next and gripes at Ponyboy for being an idiot.

Soda shows up and is like, "Ooooh, Ponyyyyy, your haaaaair!" because guys really give a shit about things like that. Darry comes in and is all weepy and is like, "I thought we lost you like we lost mom and dad!" And the boys have a group hug in the hallway. Spare me. If I were Soda, I'd have been reticent to enter into a smothering embrace with his filthy little brother. Pony, take a shower, then come talk to me about physical affection.

Have I mentioned how ridiculously attractive Rob Lowe is in this movie? I don't remember the description of Soda very well in the book, but I don't think Rob Lowe fits it very well... but I don't care.

Anyways, the brothers go home. The next morning, Pony wakes up early and starts making breakfast for his brothers. Two-Bit and another pal, Steve Randall show up and spill some shit all over the kitchen, then make fun of Ponyboy's hair. What is with these boys and their fixation on hair? This book totally wasn't written by a teenage girl or anything.

We're treated to a peek at Soda getting out of the shower (I'm such a pervert) and Darry getting ready for work. Steve is nastily cramming his face with chocolate cake (Steve is played by Tom Cruise, there's no other way for him to be cramming food in his gob but... nastily). Two Bit is wrasslin' with Ponyboy and Darry tells him to lay off. Remember in part two when Dally told Pony and Johnny that things were getting intense between the Greasers and Socs? Well, there's gonna be a rumble tonight to prove... something... not clear on what the rumble will prove. But who cares, the Greasers and Socs are going to fight. Darry says Pony doesn't look so good and for him to take it easy. Two Bit says he'll babysit Pony that day, and the rest of the boys are off to work.

Pony and Two Bit are on their way to visit Johnny in the hospital when they're approached by some Socs. Marcia's boyfriend, Randy, requests an audience with Ponyboy. Randy is being all emo, because he's sad that his best friend Bob is dead, confused about his social status or something deep, and scared about other people getting hurt or killed in the rumble that night. Ponyboy acts all wise and tells Randy that people have it rough all over. What. Randy is somehow reassured and thanks Ponyboy.

At the hospital, the boys visit Johnny. He's all burnt to a crisp and bummed out because he can't walk anymore. He asks Two Bit to go get him a copy of Gone With the Wind. While Two Bit is downstairs, Johnny tells Ponyboy that he used to want to kill himself, but now he's scared to die and upset because he hasn't lived much of a life. Pony starts to cry (you could make a drinking game out of how often Ponyboy cries in this movie... except no you couldn't, you'd be trashed five minutes in) and tells Johnny that if he gets all worked up the doctors won't let them visit anymore. Two Bit comes back in with the book, and the nurse informs Johnny that his mother is there to see him. Johnny wigs out and tells the nurse that he doesn't want to see his mom. He freaks out so much that he passes out.

The nurse tells the boys to leave, so they go visit Dally. He's being his usual charming (loony tunes) self. The nurses are all sick of his shit and can't wait for him to get out of the hospital. The boys tell Dally that Johnny isn't doing so hot. Dally gets all worried and weird(er than usual) and demands that Two Bit hand over his switchblade. Then he tells Two Bit and Pony that the Greasers have to win the rumble that night. They've got to, "Do it for Johnny, man!"


Pony and Two Bit are on their way home. Two Bit says Pony looks all sick and gnarly and Pony says not to tell Darry. Cherry shows up to deliver some pre-rumble news: the Socs will fight without weapons. Cherry asks Pony how Johnny is doing. Pony says he's not doing well and asks if Cherry will visit him. Cherry says she can't because Johnny killed Bob. Cherry then defends Bob's asshole-ish behavior by saying that he could be sweet sometimes. Ponyboy snarls at her that they don't need her charity anyway, and Cherry gets all hurt and says she's just trying to help. Right. So Pony and Cherry talk about sunsets and thankfully, that scene is over.


At the Curtis house that night, everybody is all psyched for the rumble. Steve and Soda are playing cards and arm wrestling, Darry is... getting dressed up and sweating profusely? Really. Two Bit is just... there. Ponyboy is asking about shaving. Look, it's just a really weird scene, okay? They leave the house and cartwheel and shenanigan down the street together. Yet another instance where we see that this book was totally written by a girl. I mean, Darry is giving Ponyboy a piggy back ride.

Lord, I'm bored with my own review. I can only imagine how you guys must feel.

SO. Long story short, Dally shows up for the rumble without a shirt on (?), and the Greasers win. The Socs run away. Pony gets his ass stomped. Dally is so stoked that he wants to go right away and tell Johnny that the Greasers won the rumble. On the way to the hospital, Dally gets pulled over for driving like a lunatic (but officer, there's no other way he can drive, sanity is not an option). He tells the cop that Pony fell off his motorcycle and has to be taken to the hospital. The cops like, dee dee dee, okay.

At the hospital, Johnny is pretty much dying. He tells them that fighting is no good, it's useless. He tells Ponyboy to stay gold. And then he croaks. Dally flips out. More than usual. And runs away.

Pony ugly-cries and goes home.

So Dally has finally been sent over the edge. He goes to a convenience store and is such a juvenile delinquent that he starts ripping up magazines. Oooh. You hood. The store owner is like, "Knock it off, asshole." Dally doesn't like being told what to do, so he pulls out his gun and demands the clerk open the register. He takes off with the money.

At a pay-phone, Dally calls Darry. Darry tells the other boys that Dally has robbed a store and that they need to hide him. Wait just a red-hot minute. Darry went ape shit on Pony earlier in the movie for missing curfew because he's afraid that Soda and Pony will be stuck in boy's home if they step out of line. Now he wants to harbor a fugitive? And that won't get them in trouble at all? I question Darry's leadership abilities at this point.

Anyway. The boys run to meet Dally in the park, but the cops are after him. He pulls out his gun and shouts, "You'll never take me alive!" Because seriously. The cops gun him down and Dally dies in crazy, dramatic Matt Dillon fashion. The boys are all weepy and freaking out.

Cut to Ponyboy in his bedroom. He's gotten the copy of Gone With the Wind from the hospital. He flips it open and a note from Johnny slides out. The note is all sappy and sentimental, reminding Ponyboy to stay gold. Johnny also says that his life in exchange for those kids he saved is worth it.

Ah, reconciliation.

And, as the movie opened, it ends with Ponyboy writing the story of everything that just happened.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Outsiders, Part Deux

When we last left our heroes, Johnny had just stabbed Cherry's boyfriend. Whoops, did I spoil it for you? Ponyboy wakes up to a dead body next to him and Johnny cradling a bloody knife. Pony (understandably) flips out a little and pukes up his movie popcorn.

Johnny says he and Pony need a plan, so who better to consult than the looniest person they know? They head over to a bar (?) where Dally is sleeping upstairs (also ?). If you've read the book, this scene makes a little more sense, but this is the movie version of the Outsiders, where stuff just... doesn't really make much sense.

Dally brings the boys up to his room (Not even going to be dirty-minded or suggestive here)(because seriously, if I tried I'd have Ralph Macchio related nightmares)(his eyes... are so huge) and congratulates Johnny on killing a Soc. Then he tells them to hop the train to a place called Windrixville and hide out in an old abandoned church. He gives them money to buy food and a gun (Just in case? Because he felt that Johnny's foray into murder wasn't effective enough when he was wielding a measly switchblade?). Oh, and he gives Ponyboy a shirt. Good. That sleeveless sweatshirt thing was giving me nightmares. You weren't pulling it off, C. Thomas.

The boys hop the train and settle in. They narrowly avoid being caught by some guys in the train yard who are so efficient at their job that I'm surprised Johnny and Pony went undetected as the train yard employee shined his flashlight half-assedly around the train car. Seriously. If you're going to insult my intelligence... you know what, just don't insult my intelligence.

The boys make their way to the church ("The church," Ponyboy helpfully tells us. Thanks.) and fall asleep. I know. It's a hard-knock life. When Ponyboy wakes up, Johnny is gone. He's out getting supplies. When he returns, he's got food, a copy of Gone With the Wind and a bottle of peroxide. Pony freaks out and says Johnny is not allowed to cut and dye his hair. Johnny tells him to chill and that they can't match their descriptions in the paper. Easy for him to say, since his make-over looks like this:

The little shit is even smiling about it.

And Ponyboy's make-over looks like this:

(Too bad the 'after' photo is of such poor quality. But actually... trust me, you don't want to see it up closer and in-focus)

Sorry for calling the boy's haircuts 'make-overs', I watch too much America's Next Top Model. Tyra would be PISSED about Ponyboy's look. Actually, she might shake her ass, smize and call it fierce for all we know.

The boys hang out at the church for WAY TOO LONG. They pass the time by smoking, playing cards, reading Gone With the Wind and reciting poetry to each other. Not kidding. Pony recites a poem to Johnny about "staying gold." Since they're teenage boys, they try to decide what Robert Frost meant when he wrote the poem, and then they tell each other that they're the only ones who understand each other.



Dallas shows back up in a blaze of... lunacy and delivers a letter to Ponyboy from his brother Soda. Soda tells Pony in the letter that he and Darry miss him and that Darry is sorry he hit Pony. When did Darry hit Pony? He shoved him, but I don't remember any hitting happening. Whatev.

Dally takes the boys to eat at Dairy Queen. I guess... nobody is concerned about being caught anymore? So they eat and Dallas tells the boys that things are really intense between the Socs and the Greasers. So intense that he's started carrying a gun. Like. Who is giving all these guns to Dallas Winston? Has everyone failed to notice that he's CERTIFIABLY INSANE? A really FUGLY LITTLE Sophia Coppola comes to the car while Dallas is showing the boys his gun (the weapon, you creeps) and asks Dallas for a dime. It's an (unintentionally) hilarious scene with Dally telling the little girl, "I don't have any money, man. Could you go away, please?" 'Man'? She's a seven year old girl, Dallas! Stop doing drugs!

Johnny asks if his parents have inquired after him. Dallas tells him no, in a surprisingly tactful way and somehow, this makes Johnny decide to turn himself in. Dallas is annoyed, bumbles a few lines but reluctantly agrees to take the boys back. He tells Johnny he doesn't want to see him become hardened by jail, like he became hardened by jail. Oh. That's what happened to you? My mistake. I thought maybe it just turned you batshit insane.

Driving back, the boys go by the church. Which looks a little different than the last time they were there in that it's on fire. Johnny and Pony rush out of the car, thinking they started the fire. A classroom of kids were apparently having a picnic or some...thing up at the church and one of the teachers screams in a panic that several children are missing. Johnny and Pony run inside to rescue the kids. They haul several kids out of the burning church until it becomes clear that the building is about to collapse. Pony makes it out okay, but Johnny doesn't. He gets trapped under a beam and Dallas runs in to rescue him... then fade to black as the church COLLAPSES.

Aw shit.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Emilio Estevez, what the hell? 'The Outsiders', Part One

Look at how happy they are! Being poor and wearing denim RULES!

I'm thinking about reviewing the book, too, but for now, we'll stick with the movie. Which is infinitely more entertaining in that godawful 80s movie kind of way.

Okay, so we're hanging out in Oklahoma in 1964. The only reason I know that is because I read the back of the DVD case. It's not mentioned in the movie... I don't think. Speaking of this DVD, it effing blows. There are no deleted scenes, no 'making of' feature (not even a featurette!), no cast commentary. I mean, like, what the hell else are Ralph Maccio and C. Thomas Howell doing these days? Ralph Maccio is probably crying into his Cheerios over the remake of the Karate Kid. If he doesn't get a cameo in that movie, I swear to God I'll burn down a local movie theater. And goddamn it, Hollywood! Some things should stay the goddamn same! Quit making shit 'better'! The Karate Kid is fine as it is. Christ Almighty.

I digress. Back to the movie (The Outsiders, in case you've forgotten). A ridiculously adorable C. Thomas Howell (his name is "Ponyboy" in the movie, but how are you going to take that seriously?) is sitting at his writing desk... writing. Side-note: My shit was seriously wrecked over C. Thomas Howell when I was younger. I crushed on homeboy so hard that it hurt... Holy shit. I'm NEVER going to get through a review of this movie.

ANYWAY. C. Thomas Howell. Writing in ... a diary? "The Outsiders by Ponyboy Curtis". This scene only makes sense to anybody who has read the book, so... you know what? Let's skip it.

Weird, misplaced Stevie Wonder song happens for a few minutes while the credits roll.

We REALLY open with C. Thomas Howell and The Karate Kid ("Johnny", but how are you going to remember that?) hanging out in front of a building, when Totally Insane Matt Dillon (Dallas "Dally" Winston is his character's name, I was going to call him Totally Insane Matt Dillon for review purposes, but that'll get rather taxing to type over and over again) comes sauntering up out of nowhere. They walk around town, smoke cigarettes and Dallas bullies some little kids who are seriously seven or eight years old. Then they sneak into the drive in theater.

Another (unnecessary) side-note. The crotches of their pants are so scary. Like, I don't understand why their jeans couldn't have fit them better. Like, what was the budget of this film? Who was on wardrobe? Yipes.

We pan around the silly 60's shit happening at the theater (people hanging out by their cars, gabbing, eating popcorn, Emilio Esteves grabbing his junk (NOT KIDDING), sneaking out of trunks, etc.) and stop briefly on a pair of girls getting ticked at their dates and going to sit elsewhere on some bleachers or something. C. Thomas Howell, the Karate Kid and Dallas (or Dally, if you're... nasty) sit behind the girls. Dallas flirts (is that what he's doing?) with the redhead. Karate Kid is grossed out or something, so he leaves. Dally makes a gross joke, pretends he didn't, then gets offended when the redhead shouts, "Get lost, hood!" Haha, Dallas says, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you had this problem with... yelling in my face." It's ridiculous and hilarious and Matt Dillon is stoned or drugged or drunk THE ENTIRE MOVIE.

Dallas leaves and the redhead turns around and asks C. Thomas Howell if he's going to harass her and her friend, as well. C. Thomas Howell (dammit, I'm going to have to call him Ponyboy, it's easier to type) gives her a total deer in the headlights look and you, like, literally cannot stop yourself from saying, "Awww."

The Karate Kid comes back and the teens all start talking. The redhead is named Sherry ('Cherry' because of her hair) and her friend is Marcia. I want to punch Marcia in the face because of her ridiculous Fargo-esque accent. I'm not hating on North Dakotans, I'm just commenting on the fact that they're supposed to be from Oklahoma. Not North Dakota. Get your shit straight, Francis Ford Coppola or the casting director, or whoever is responsible for this noise.

Anyways, Dally shows up again. He brings Cherry a Coke, telling her that it might cool her off a little bit. It doesn't. She throws the soda in his face. Dally gets turned on because... what the hell... and grabs Cherry. Johnny gr- DAMN IT! I just called him Johnny. My Karate Kid streak is broken. Anyways. Johnny grows a pair and tells Dally to leave Cherry alone. Dally gets pissed that someone told him what to do, and leaves.

The girls invite Ponyboy and Johnny to sit with them. They bond and talk until Emilio Estevez ("Two-Bit") turns up again. It's not so bad this time, as he's not grabbing his crotch anymore. He grabs Johnny instead and calls him a greaser, which freaks Johnny out. Two-Bit flirts with Marcia a little bit and asks where Dally is. All the sudden Tim Shepherd is there and is supposed to be all menacing and is all, "Yeah... where IS Dally?" because apparently Dally slashed his tires and Tim's pissed. The kids say they don't know where Dally is, so Tim takes off.

Pony and Cherry go to get some snacks. They have a heart to heart about why Johnny was so skerd when Two-Bit snuck up on him. Pony tells Cherry about how some Socs (Sew-shiz) jumped Johnny one time and beat the hell out of him, and the ring-leader was some guy wearing loads of rings. Careful, world, Ringo Starr has joined a middle to upper class gang of teenage boys. Cherry says she's sorry for what happened to Johnny, but reminds Ponyboy that life is rough for everyone. Pony is obviously thinking, "Bitch, please," but he's too nice to say anything.

The boys walk the girls home. They're kind of paired up, Marcia and Two-Bit, Pony and Cherry, and Johnny by himself. Cherry asks Pony about his oldest brother, who he doesn't seem to talk much about. Pony explodes that his oldest brother Darry is a dick and that Darry doesn't care about him. Johnny steps in and says that Pony and his brothers seem to get along fine, and Pony yells at Johnny that he's not wanted at home, either. Jesus, Ponyboy. Two-Bit tells Pony to quit being an asshole, and Pony apologizes.

Uh-oh! Cherry and Marcia's boyfriends show up, hammered. We get a close-up of Cherry's boyfriend Bob's hand... he's wearing lots of rings.

REMEMBER WHY THAT'S SIGNIFICANT?! If you don't, the director will remind you. Cut to a shot of Johnny's terrified face.

The boys tell Marcia and Cherry to quit hanging around the Greasers. Cherry yells at the boys for being drunk. Two-Bit threatens the guys, but in an effort to avoid a fight, Cherry tells the boyfriends that she and Marcia will go home with them. Before she goes, she tells Pony that a) she probably won't acknowledge him in the halls at school and b) she hopes she never sees Dally again because she'll fall in love with him.

Cherry. You are simultaneously a bitch and a lunatic.

At least you're pretty.

The boys walk home. Two-Bit announces that he's going off to get drunk (because he wasn't already?) and leaves Johnny and Ponyboy outside their houses.

Johnny's about to go inside when he hears his mom and dad shouting and tussling inside the house. He decides he's going to go hang out in the lot for awhile cuz he's a big freaking infant. Just go inside and close your bedroom door and quit being so emo, Johnny. Ponyboy goes and sits with him awhile. Johnny cries about wanting to kill himself sometimes and how he wishes there were a place with no Socs, no Greasers, just plain ordinary people. Ponyboy says there is such a magical land and waxes poetic about how beautiful the country is. Well, not really, he just repeats, "In the country..." several times, his voice coming gradually more echoey. We're treated to a fuzzy vision of a couple getting out of a car for a picnic or something and then VERY ABRUPTLY having said car smashed by a train. What? Who were those people? Ponyboy's parents? Francis Ford Coppola apparently didn't think it worth mentioning, so we don't really know.

Ponyboy wakes up and is like, "Oh shit," because he's probably missed curfew. He runs home and sure enough, his older brothers Darry and Sodapop (not to be confused with the soda Cherry threw at Dally earlier) are awake and wondering what's become of their precious little brother. Darry FTFO (flips the fuck out) on Ponyboy, pushing him, and causing him to run away. Damn it, Darry! Why'd you do that? I was busy staring at Rob Lowe, who is so remarkably hawt (not even hot, HAWT) in this movie that it's hard to really look at him, so I guess thanks for doing that, Darry?

Ponyboy runs and trips over Johnny in the lot and ugly-cries and tells Johnny that they're going to run away.


Because your older brother was concerned about you and yelled at your for missing curfew? Boo-fucking-hoo, Ponyboy! Go over to Johnny's house and get slapped around for a couple of days, and THEN you can complain about your living situation. You soppy orphan. Jesus.

Pony and Johnny run to a playground. Ponyboy thinks he's calm enough to go back home now, but uh-oh. The Socs from earlier are back. They're pissed at the Greasers for picking up on their women. Basically, Bob (Cherry's boyfriend, the one with the rings) tells the Greasers that they're white trash. Ponyboy retaliates by calling the Socs white trash. How clever, Pony. Then, to add insult to injury or injury to insult, I'm not sure, Pony spits at the Socs. Ew, Greaser Spit!

The boys get jumped. They're start drowning Pony in the park fountain! Well, Johnny's not going to stand for that shit. He whips open his switchblade, the screen turns red, then fades to black...

That does it for part one. I could have reviewed the whole movie in one post if I'd quit going off on stupid rabbit trails and stopping to agonize over stupid minute details, but... hey... it's me.