Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Emilio Estevez, what the hell? 'The Outsiders', Part One

Look at how happy they are! Being poor and wearing denim RULES!

I'm thinking about reviewing the book, too, but for now, we'll stick with the movie. Which is infinitely more entertaining in that godawful 80s movie kind of way.

Okay, so we're hanging out in Oklahoma in 1964. The only reason I know that is because I read the back of the DVD case. It's not mentioned in the movie... I don't think. Speaking of this DVD, it effing blows. There are no deleted scenes, no 'making of' feature (not even a featurette!), no cast commentary. I mean, like, what the hell else are Ralph Maccio and C. Thomas Howell doing these days? Ralph Maccio is probably crying into his Cheerios over the remake of the Karate Kid. If he doesn't get a cameo in that movie, I swear to God I'll burn down a local movie theater. And goddamn it, Hollywood! Some things should stay the goddamn same! Quit making shit 'better'! The Karate Kid is fine as it is. Christ Almighty.

I digress. Back to the movie (The Outsiders, in case you've forgotten). A ridiculously adorable C. Thomas Howell (his name is "Ponyboy" in the movie, but how are you going to take that seriously?) is sitting at his writing desk... writing. Side-note: My shit was seriously wrecked over C. Thomas Howell when I was younger. I crushed on homeboy so hard that it hurt... Holy shit. I'm NEVER going to get through a review of this movie.

ANYWAY. C. Thomas Howell. Writing in ... a diary? "The Outsiders by Ponyboy Curtis". This scene only makes sense to anybody who has read the book, so... you know what? Let's skip it.

Weird, misplaced Stevie Wonder song happens for a few minutes while the credits roll.

We REALLY open with C. Thomas Howell and The Karate Kid ("Johnny", but how are you going to remember that?) hanging out in front of a building, when Totally Insane Matt Dillon (Dallas "Dally" Winston is his character's name, I was going to call him Totally Insane Matt Dillon for review purposes, but that'll get rather taxing to type over and over again) comes sauntering up out of nowhere. They walk around town, smoke cigarettes and Dallas bullies some little kids who are seriously seven or eight years old. Then they sneak into the drive in theater.

Another (unnecessary) side-note. The crotches of their pants are so scary. Like, I don't understand why their jeans couldn't have fit them better. Like, what was the budget of this film? Who was on wardrobe? Yipes.

We pan around the silly 60's shit happening at the theater (people hanging out by their cars, gabbing, eating popcorn, Emilio Esteves grabbing his junk (NOT KIDDING), sneaking out of trunks, etc.) and stop briefly on a pair of girls getting ticked at their dates and going to sit elsewhere on some bleachers or something. C. Thomas Howell, the Karate Kid and Dallas (or Dally, if you're... nasty) sit behind the girls. Dallas flirts (is that what he's doing?) with the redhead. Karate Kid is grossed out or something, so he leaves. Dally makes a gross joke, pretends he didn't, then gets offended when the redhead shouts, "Get lost, hood!" Haha, Dallas says, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you had this problem with... yelling in my face." It's ridiculous and hilarious and Matt Dillon is stoned or drugged or drunk THE ENTIRE MOVIE.

Dallas leaves and the redhead turns around and asks C. Thomas Howell if he's going to harass her and her friend, as well. C. Thomas Howell (dammit, I'm going to have to call him Ponyboy, it's easier to type) gives her a total deer in the headlights look and you, like, literally cannot stop yourself from saying, "Awww."

The Karate Kid comes back and the teens all start talking. The redhead is named Sherry ('Cherry' because of her hair) and her friend is Marcia. I want to punch Marcia in the face because of her ridiculous Fargo-esque accent. I'm not hating on North Dakotans, I'm just commenting on the fact that they're supposed to be from Oklahoma. Not North Dakota. Get your shit straight, Francis Ford Coppola or the casting director, or whoever is responsible for this noise.

Anyways, Dally shows up again. He brings Cherry a Coke, telling her that it might cool her off a little bit. It doesn't. She throws the soda in his face. Dally gets turned on because... what the hell... and grabs Cherry. Johnny gr- DAMN IT! I just called him Johnny. My Karate Kid streak is broken. Anyways. Johnny grows a pair and tells Dally to leave Cherry alone. Dally gets pissed that someone told him what to do, and leaves.

The girls invite Ponyboy and Johnny to sit with them. They bond and talk until Emilio Estevez ("Two-Bit") turns up again. It's not so bad this time, as he's not grabbing his crotch anymore. He grabs Johnny instead and calls him a greaser, which freaks Johnny out. Two-Bit flirts with Marcia a little bit and asks where Dally is. All the sudden Tim Shepherd is there and is supposed to be all menacing and is all, "Yeah... where IS Dally?" because apparently Dally slashed his tires and Tim's pissed. The kids say they don't know where Dally is, so Tim takes off.

Pony and Cherry go to get some snacks. They have a heart to heart about why Johnny was so skerd when Two-Bit snuck up on him. Pony tells Cherry about how some Socs (Sew-shiz) jumped Johnny one time and beat the hell out of him, and the ring-leader was some guy wearing loads of rings. Careful, world, Ringo Starr has joined a middle to upper class gang of teenage boys. Cherry says she's sorry for what happened to Johnny, but reminds Ponyboy that life is rough for everyone. Pony is obviously thinking, "Bitch, please," but he's too nice to say anything.

The boys walk the girls home. They're kind of paired up, Marcia and Two-Bit, Pony and Cherry, and Johnny by himself. Cherry asks Pony about his oldest brother, who he doesn't seem to talk much about. Pony explodes that his oldest brother Darry is a dick and that Darry doesn't care about him. Johnny steps in and says that Pony and his brothers seem to get along fine, and Pony yells at Johnny that he's not wanted at home, either. Jesus, Ponyboy. Two-Bit tells Pony to quit being an asshole, and Pony apologizes.

Uh-oh! Cherry and Marcia's boyfriends show up, hammered. We get a close-up of Cherry's boyfriend Bob's hand... he's wearing lots of rings.

REMEMBER WHY THAT'S SIGNIFICANT?! If you don't, the director will remind you. Cut to a shot of Johnny's terrified face.

The boys tell Marcia and Cherry to quit hanging around the Greasers. Cherry yells at the boys for being drunk. Two-Bit threatens the guys, but in an effort to avoid a fight, Cherry tells the boyfriends that she and Marcia will go home with them. Before she goes, she tells Pony that a) she probably won't acknowledge him in the halls at school and b) she hopes she never sees Dally again because she'll fall in love with him.

Cherry. You are simultaneously a bitch and a lunatic.

At least you're pretty.

The boys walk home. Two-Bit announces that he's going off to get drunk (because he wasn't already?) and leaves Johnny and Ponyboy outside their houses.

Johnny's about to go inside when he hears his mom and dad shouting and tussling inside the house. He decides he's going to go hang out in the lot for awhile cuz he's a big freaking infant. Just go inside and close your bedroom door and quit being so emo, Johnny. Ponyboy goes and sits with him awhile. Johnny cries about wanting to kill himself sometimes and how he wishes there were a place with no Socs, no Greasers, just plain ordinary people. Ponyboy says there is such a magical land and waxes poetic about how beautiful the country is. Well, not really, he just repeats, "In the country..." several times, his voice coming gradually more echoey. We're treated to a fuzzy vision of a couple getting out of a car for a picnic or something and then VERY ABRUPTLY having said car smashed by a train. What? Who were those people? Ponyboy's parents? Francis Ford Coppola apparently didn't think it worth mentioning, so we don't really know.

Ponyboy wakes up and is like, "Oh shit," because he's probably missed curfew. He runs home and sure enough, his older brothers Darry and Sodapop (not to be confused with the soda Cherry threw at Dally earlier) are awake and wondering what's become of their precious little brother. Darry FTFO (flips the fuck out) on Ponyboy, pushing him, and causing him to run away. Damn it, Darry! Why'd you do that? I was busy staring at Rob Lowe, who is so remarkably hawt (not even hot, HAWT) in this movie that it's hard to really look at him, so I guess thanks for doing that, Darry?

Ponyboy runs and trips over Johnny in the lot and ugly-cries and tells Johnny that they're going to run away.


Because your older brother was concerned about you and yelled at your for missing curfew? Boo-fucking-hoo, Ponyboy! Go over to Johnny's house and get slapped around for a couple of days, and THEN you can complain about your living situation. You soppy orphan. Jesus.

Pony and Johnny run to a playground. Ponyboy thinks he's calm enough to go back home now, but uh-oh. The Socs from earlier are back. They're pissed at the Greasers for picking up on their women. Basically, Bob (Cherry's boyfriend, the one with the rings) tells the Greasers that they're white trash. Ponyboy retaliates by calling the Socs white trash. How clever, Pony. Then, to add insult to injury or injury to insult, I'm not sure, Pony spits at the Socs. Ew, Greaser Spit!

The boys get jumped. They're start drowning Pony in the park fountain! Well, Johnny's not going to stand for that shit. He whips open his switchblade, the screen turns red, then fades to black...

That does it for part one. I could have reviewed the whole movie in one post if I'd quit going off on stupid rabbit trails and stopping to agonize over stupid minute details, but... hey... it's me.


  1. I'm a super-huge fan of Totally Insane Matt Dillon. I do a mean Dallas Winston death scene reenactment. As I'm sure you can imagine, it's quite the hit at parties.

  2. If there's any way for you to film yourself doing said impression and put it on youtube, you might consider doing that. Just a suggestion.